sex

it is very damaging to the self esteem to constantly be the one to try and initiate sex and it is even worse when they aren’t interested. it is a rejection. to me, it doesn’t matter how we said it, what he intended, it is a rejection. it hurts so badly. i gave up years ago on initiating, but i can’t seem to give up on the fact that it may happen if only he would do something about it. we don’t know what the problem is, he says he wants it fixed (although he says not as badly as i seem to want to) but he doesn’t know how to fix it.

there is 10 years in our agesl. i am 36, he is 46.. when we met i was 23 and he was 33… it wasn’t any better then than now… the only difference is that i have stopped trying for it. we used to have huge screaming matches, i would make him doctors appointments, he wouldn’t show up for them. most damaging, are the things he said to me in those early days, blaming me in grotesque ways i cannot even type out. we tried counselling and a whole slew of different drugs.

the last time we saw the doctor about it he said he could give him viagara. it wouldn’t give him the urge, but would give him the ability and he could be the tool to get me off, that way i would at least be satisfied. he wouldn’t do it. he still won’t.

we haven’t had sex in around 9 years.

if women say they want sex, they are whores.. men say it and their ‘normal’. mind you, when the man doesn’t want it, there aren’t many supports in place. they are supposed to want it. where  do they go if they don’t? all the drugs out there are to treat men who want it but can’t and are desperate for it.. there isnt anything for men who just don’t feel the urge, and then what is the need for the them to go and find out what it wrong? because there is not urge for sex, there is no urge to fix it. vicious cycle.

naked

dont’ get all excited.. there is no nakedness here LOL

years ago, TH would make excuses why we couldn’t have sex. Typically male, he blamed me in so many different ways. When we decided to have children this because a HUGE problem. It got to the point where i told him an old-wives tale about a turkey baster. i am sure you have heard that one to. I became desperate because he would lay there, spread eagle and say “ok. start.” what the fuck? ok, start?? i wont’ describe the argument that one brought on, but it finished with a turkey baster. well, actually an eye dropper. voila, daughter. span the years, and it became a medicine dosing syringe.  two miscarriages, and viola, son. All were the results of him jacking off in a cup, and bringing me “the baby juice.” If i touch him anywhere, he giggles like a little girl. kinda disturbing actually.

He hasn’t seen me naked in 8 years except for whatever bits he managed to see of me in labour and two c-sections.

When TH came after me physically we went to therapy for the 40 millionth time. We got to the end of the 4th session and the therapist was stupidly impressed with our progress (keep in mind that TH is not only passive aggressive, but incredibly smart. smart enough to figure out exactly what the man wanted to hear and fed it to him) he finally asked about our physical relationship. i said ‘never,’ “define never?” so i answered with “more than 7 years.” I shocked him silent, then he said the funniest fucking thing. “there was a 300lb gorilla in the room this whole time???” I think the man was more concerned with his ‘closure rate’ or whatever because he classed us cured and fine. idiot.

The reason he hasn’t seen me naked? cause i enjoy being naked, but he has made me ashamed. everytime he saw me, he would look me over like a prize heifer he was buying, and tell me about some good diets. Then he would tell me it was for my own benefit, and that he wanted me around for a long time. I am not a small woman by any accounts, but he makes me feel fat.

Buddy Boy? yeah he plays all the games i have heard MMs play reading blogs lately. yeah i feel like i am on his timetable. He likes big women, he loves me naked, with him i feel beautiful. It is a rare thing for me because of what i have at home all the time. and take into account the fact that i don’t have guilt that married women in affairs have because he told me he would rather i go to someone else for whatever my physical needs are. How does all that leave me with a marriage.