Makin’ Progress

well, i decided it was beyond time for another update… i really should post more so i have to do less updates LOL…

Hubby has honestly been making an effort. he certainly falls off the wagon as far as speaking to me in a decent manner, but he is trying. He has asked me not to go, told me he doesn’t want me to leave and asked if i really want to go. i will go so far as admitting i don’t really want to go, but i have not yet committed to saying that i will not leave. I don’t know how convinced i am that he can make long term changes.

a note on my side activities.. i am still seeing BB quarterly, or less! far from ideal. things with CC ended up only being one lovely encounter, his job changed and no longer entailed daily freedom and extensive travel. sad, but not tragic… the tragic part is trying to meet a decent man to see on the side seems to be impossible. i met one for coffee a few weeks ago, i didn’t really feel it and was going to let the man down slowly. I didnt have the chance. he got way obsessive FAST! i had an email before i got home and the next day he sent 6 text messages before 10am!  i am home busy with my kids and i cannot have that! i don’t have the time or the inclination to engage in that! so i shut him down hard and fast, he wasn’t happy but he has since sent only one e-mail asking me to please reconsider which i do not plan to respond to.

My son starts school soon, I am starting to think about going back to work and to help that along i have started upgrading my schooling. i have only sent out a couple of resumes, i am really only looking for part time so i can bring in some money (i told hubby half of my money would go into our bank account and the other half is mine that i want to save some money up, he isn’t happy about it and keeps asking if it so i can leave him. i am undecided but i want to have my own money).

My summer has been busy keeping the kids occupied, my parents have been visiting once and are coming again soon. it will be time for school before i know it.

I hope you are all enjoying your summers 🙂 i will try (ya i know, i’ve said it before) to write more often LOL….

MM 2.0 aka CC

no, i didn’t mean for the CC to mimic the BB i use for Buddy Boy.. it just worked out that way… CC is short for Captain Corporate… LOL… i have a limited imagination and it stuck. he is a corporate sort, and a serial cheater on his wife who he calls his best friend.

He is reasonably good in bed, i suspect he suffers from ADHD (lol) and is looking for the same thing i am.. we seem to be compatible. He doesn’t quite float my boat the same as BB, but you can’t have everything. (obviously or i wouldn’t be here)

my mother has left, thankfully… i love her much more from far away. and my house is gradually getting back to the routine.

hopefully this means i can start posting more…

an annual visitor

every year my mom comes out to visit. she loves to see the kids and they her, and i have a small getaway that i plan with the two of us and up to 5 other ladies. so mom flies across the country to come on this getaway.

sounds great.. right?

my mother drives me crazy and every year i wonder what the hell i was thinking. and, i almost dread her coming for weeks before hand, in anticpation of the usual problems. my daughter even picked up on, asking TH why i wasn’t excited that my mom was coming.

i realized just after she got here that my dread and emotional build up before she even got here was causing problems. i was not being fair, a little nasty, snippy, and hard to be around. i sat down, took a few breaths, did a lot of self talk, and tried harder.

honestly, it didn’t help as much as i thought it would

mom and i have always easily been at loggerheads, she has so many behaviors that drive me crazy. to make it worse, i only see her once or twice a year for a couple of weeks at a time, but in those two weeks we are usually living in the same house. either hers or mine. it’s not like we each have our own spaces to reatreat to when things get stressful, which makes it harder.

my poor sister and friend have been receiving a string of texts and my sister a huge venting e-mail filled with all the things that are driving me crazy. up until yesterday i was regretting having my mother come out.

my mom and i have one thing in common. one. we both quilt. we started at the same time, learned the basics together, and loved it. shortly after, i moved to where i am now… far away. she even bemoaned “we finally have something in common and you are leaving”

yesterday we started quilting, in anticipation of our getaway… we got along famously… wierd hey? she is here for another week and a half, we leave middle of next week for our getaway…

suzie homemaker

it’s really funny. i have been back home for a week now, and i have been different. even i can see it.

i have practically turned into suzie freaking homemaker. i am making dinner every single night, even planning ahead and taking meat out. i am not normally that organized, i wing it and hour before dinner time and often TH makes dinner because he can come up with something when i am convinced we have nothing to eat in the entire house LOL.

I am back to school ready. i have gone through all the kids clothes, shoes, jackets, sweaters, hats, and supplies. i am normally pretty good with this, but this year i seem to have it down to an art. funny

In spite of the fact that i am exhausted every moment of every day, i am pretty well up on all my cleaning and laundry.

I wonder if this is due, at least in part, as a reaction to the visit with my parents and sister. maybe in defiance of their clutter and chaos? also, TH is working like crazy. At work for 8ish, home for dinner and back at work until 2 or 3am. it is really nice that he is making the effort to be here for dinner. i appreciate it.

i was up with gall bladder pains most of the night and am painfully exhausted today. one month to my surgery.

Home Again

well, i am home, but my body is still not in the right time zone. my parents still live in the house they moved into when i was two years old. i grew up in that house, with both of my parents. Going to visit them as an adult and as a parent is stressfull. it was an eye opening trip as well. i see their behaviors, and understand the root of mine. i see how they speak to eachother, their double standards, their way of life. because i am not around them all the time, they have changed and i have not been around for the evolution, just the snapshots. and they drive me crazy. my sister lives in the same town and i have no idea how they have not driven her insane. then again, she drives me crazy too. LOL

they all do things that just seem to defy any logic. my parents are packrats. their house is so cluttered that i don’t know how they live there, i wouldn’t even begin to know where to start if i were to have to clean that house up. my sister’s is no where near as bad, but i see the same tendensies (this is probably why her husband has the habit of randomly taking loads to the dump and not telling her, though this means he throws out all kinds of stuff she ends up having to replace). i don’t and cannot understand the way they live.

my father doesn’t speak nicely to my mother, but will not tolerate it if he doesn’t like her tone of voice. there is no hitting, very little fighting, but i found it confusing. he wants to organize everyone around him, but his house is chaos.

i am not explaining how i feel very well, i have thought of little else since i came home. but i hope i can keep the lessons i learned.

i need to watch how i speak to TH, tone of voice is very important and it is something i really need to watch.

i need to continue working on my patience

i need to think about my family and their feelings more than i do

i am a strong person and i don’t need to become my parents. there are parts of them i like, but i need to let go of the parts i don’t like.

the commended me on how helpful i was, how good at cleaning up, how easy i was to be around. they don’t know that being helpful makes me angry. i shouldn’t have to clean up after them, for them. i spent an hour cleaning their bathroom because my cousin was coming to visit and i was embarassed. then my mother critized the job i did because i left some mystery powder on the baseboard. i had to make her clean up. they have a split level house. it took half a day to clean just the part people see when they walk in the door and come and sit down and they didn’t really clean. piles were moved from one part of the house to another. no one knows where to put stuff, things have no place. and i tried to let it go. they do things that defy logic and i tried to let it go. i cleaned up after them and didn’t say anything. i took my sister’s kids for the day, but because she didn’t plan ahead i didn’t have enough car seats for our plans and she didn’t care, i told her not to talk to me about it because i was upset. i let it go.

turns out i didnt’ let it go.. i am internalizing.. i am swallowing it..

my parents aren’t people you can talk to, they lie to themselves better than to anyone else. they get angry, defensive, it is your fault, not theirs. it isn’t worth the fight it would start.

there was fun, there were good times. i have to make sure the anger doesn’t swallow them up.