a happier new year to us all

my last year wasn’t bad. i don’t have anything in particular to complain about. it didn’t end well, i will say that.

turns out TH didn’t even ask his mother to watch the kids for us, he assumed she was busy. the only reason i know that is i heard him talking to her on new years eve while i was in bed trying to sleep. i nearly exploded. try getting to sleep after that lol.. i had to take something to calm down.

i sent him an e-mail this morning listing why i was so angry. it’s a pretty long e-mail, and i was a little angry when i sent it.

TH has the most amazing talent of ruining holidays. it’s a gift, really. he knows when the holiday is approaching, he takes the most aggravating approach (differing from the previous holiday so i am not sure what to expect) and he gets crankier, nastier, meaner…. and then on the day he cannot fathom why i am upset, not talking to him and don’t want to spend time with him and wants to know why i am so unreasonable.

after not having the decency to tell me what we were doing for last night, wouldn’t make plans, didn’t ask his mom, wouldn’t let me call a babysitter, i find out at 4pm that we aren’t doing anything and there isn’t even enough time for me to put together something small; appetizers and maybe drinks for us. he asked me at 10pm if i wanted to watch a movie.

i said no and went to bed.

new years eve is only an event if you plan something, anything. otherwise it is just another day.

asshole strikes again

ok.. not very nice.. i get it.. but true.

we were invited to a new years eve party. i was pretty sure it wouldn’t happen, but he said we could go. i called to see if it was kid friendly or not to see if we needed childcare, and no.. i need a babysitter. ok. i offered to call some, he said wait, he would check with his mom.

he finally asked her yesterday and she can’t, she has plans. good for her, i mean it! she doesn’t get out enough. so i started calling today. when the first call busted, i asked hubby if he would call some of his work friends to see if their kids are free.

no.

ok. then let’s not go, i said sarcastically.

ok, he says.

i knew it.. i knew it wouldn’ t happen.

he has been SUPER CRANKY for a few days, and i wouldn’t be suprised if it was all just to aviod new years. whatever. i stopped caring. i knew it wouldn’t happen.

he is also mad at me over something. i have no idea what. i don’t care.

a merry christmas

christmas day was so good. we had a wonderful family christmas morning. i had invited my mother in law to join us in gift opening (which my sister in law hadn’t.. totally scored there :P) and it was wonderful to have her there. then i made a wonderful big breakfast for the grown-ups.. no way the kids were going to wait that long.

we all got to have a nap, and then off to my sister-in-laws (D) for christmas dinner which went…. fine. nothing nasty, nothing positive, but i really don’t have any complaints and that is about as it can get over there. sad, isn’t it.

i got what i wanted for christmas, because i was very clear LOL.. i am still waiting for my big gift to come, they are back ordered and it isn’t expected to arrive until jan 20 or so… i’m so excited!!

the kids were spoiled rotten, as all kids should be. they are still young enough that they were totally excited, and they were literally running around the house waiting for Grandma to get here so they could open their gifts. it was tons of fun 🙂

my house has still not recovered, but i haven’t really put an effort into it.today we were busy re-arranging our upstairs to give me a place to sew, i can’t wait to try it out.. i guess that means i have to attack the rest of the house tomorrow so we can vacume.

i was really happy to put all the decorations out, but now i can’t wait to put them away. i hope you all had just as good a christmas as i did 🙂

Merry Christmas

I hope everyone has a wonderful christmas this year.

I am excited for it, yet still down in the dumps. i don’t really have anything to post about, and haven’t really felt like it, but i wanted one more post before christmas.

My daughter and i had the most amazing day just the two us. She had some things she wanted to pick up, gifts for her brother and father. so we went out and made a day of it. lunch, shopping, girl time. it was awesome. i love the person she is becoming, she is one of a kind. the malls were crazy, but it was productive and enjoyable.

other than that it’s been life as usual

Home Again

well, i am home, but my body is still not in the right time zone. my parents still live in the house they moved into when i was two years old. i grew up in that house, with both of my parents. Going to visit them as an adult and as a parent is stressfull. it was an eye opening trip as well. i see their behaviors, and understand the root of mine. i see how they speak to eachother, their double standards, their way of life. because i am not around them all the time, they have changed and i have not been around for the evolution, just the snapshots. and they drive me crazy. my sister lives in the same town and i have no idea how they have not driven her insane. then again, she drives me crazy too. LOL

they all do things that just seem to defy any logic. my parents are packrats. their house is so cluttered that i don’t know how they live there, i wouldn’t even begin to know where to start if i were to have to clean that house up. my sister’s is no where near as bad, but i see the same tendensies (this is probably why her husband has the habit of randomly taking loads to the dump and not telling her, though this means he throws out all kinds of stuff she ends up having to replace). i don’t and cannot understand the way they live.

my father doesn’t speak nicely to my mother, but will not tolerate it if he doesn’t like her tone of voice. there is no hitting, very little fighting, but i found it confusing. he wants to organize everyone around him, but his house is chaos.

i am not explaining how i feel very well, i have thought of little else since i came home. but i hope i can keep the lessons i learned.

i need to watch how i speak to TH, tone of voice is very important and it is something i really need to watch.

i need to continue working on my patience

i need to think about my family and their feelings more than i do

i am a strong person and i don’t need to become my parents. there are parts of them i like, but i need to let go of the parts i don’t like.

the commended me on how helpful i was, how good at cleaning up, how easy i was to be around. they don’t know that being helpful makes me angry. i shouldn’t have to clean up after them, for them. i spent an hour cleaning their bathroom because my cousin was coming to visit and i was embarassed. then my mother critized the job i did because i left some mystery powder on the baseboard. i had to make her clean up. they have a split level house. it took half a day to clean just the part people see when they walk in the door and come and sit down and they didn’t really clean. piles were moved from one part of the house to another. no one knows where to put stuff, things have no place. and i tried to let it go. they do things that defy logic and i tried to let it go. i cleaned up after them and didn’t say anything. i took my sister’s kids for the day, but because she didn’t plan ahead i didn’t have enough car seats for our plans and she didn’t care, i told her not to talk to me about it because i was upset. i let it go.

turns out i didnt’ let it go.. i am internalizing.. i am swallowing it..

my parents aren’t people you can talk to, they lie to themselves better than to anyone else. they get angry, defensive, it is your fault, not theirs. it isn’t worth the fight it would start.

there was fun, there were good times. i have to make sure the anger doesn’t swallow them up.

flown the coop

well, the kids and i are more than half a continent away from TH. We got here yesterday noonish local time. It was 9 hours of travel, with two kids. i cannot even explain the bone deep exhaustion!! TH and I had a couple of conversations before i left, nothing of substance, but at least we were talking. I haven’t seen my family in just over a year, it is nice to be here in the house i grew up in.

thinking

i have been thinking a lot!! this blog, the ones i read, and the people that i have been talking to about my marriage have all got my brain spinning. I had it in my head that i am stuck in this purgatory for at least a few years yet. But i starting thinking about the nasty shit TH says to me and they way he talks to me, the way he completely ignores me. I think he genuinely doesn’t care. i am leaving in less than a week, maybe i should have a talk with him before we go and get him to think about what it is he wants. if he sees us staying married, what he figures needs to be done (he will say nothing needs to be done, everything is fine). but he can’t talk to me like he does and feel like everything is fine, can he?

weekend

i had a lovely weekend away from my darker side. I enjoyed the sunshine, i was busy, i enjoyed my kids. I was even able to completely numb out his nastiness (notice the lack of capitals. i am not calling him this, just describing his behavior). He did try to be nasty, but i didn’t react at all. sometimes it is just so hard to do, but i managed all weekend. It helps tremendously that it drives him crazy when i don’t react at all. 😀 It also helps that he had to go to work, and he has been helping his mom out at her place. as a totally unexpected bonus, his mother sided with ME!! LOL, poor sucker.

I am leaving in just over a week. i don’t imagine i will be in my darker place alot when i arrive at my destination. i might even break down enough to post nice things about him because i am far fonder of TH when he isn’t around, sometimes i even miss him. It doesn’t usually take very long for me to remember why it was better being away.