wired

it is the middle of the night, i can’t sleep. my eyes won’t close and my brain won’t shut off. i am reliving old hurts, old pains, the death of old friendships. I am swirling around ideas of conversations i would like to have, wish i had had, and wish i could have.

i am coming up on a two year anniversary of my best friend suddenly stop speaking to me. i still think about it all the time, it bothers me that there was no definitive reason given. she lives 4 hours from me. it started over something i did that, while i didn’t see the problem, i apologized and fixed it. then, through e-mails, it turned into other things that i didn’t understand and ended with an extremely odd comment on her end. The whole process took a week, two at the most. each time one of us got an e-mail it took a day or to to process, and then respond.

childishly, i de-friended her on facebook. i didn’t want her to know what i was up to while we were in this weirdness (which i considered temporary) and i update facebook often, including photos.

i still sent her a christmas card shortly afterwards, but didnt’ receive on. We had already sent Christmas present to each other’s children, after christmas i sent a thank you for the gifts. i never received one.

i sent her an e-mail telling her i didn’t know what i was supposed to do next. i was really confused, i had no idea what had happened. she didn’t respond.

I sent her daughter a birthday present because i didn’t want it to be done, i wanted her to know i was missing our friendship. i didn’t receive an acknowledgement, i know she got it because on the internet tracking it showed that she had signed for it.

i had had a horrific year at this point. deaths in the family, family health scares, illness, surgeries, the physical fight with TH, on and on. i needed her. i was angry that she wasn’t there for me, she was supposed to be there. She was my witness at my wedding, i gave my daughter her name as her second name. she was my daughter’s god-daughter. to me, that made her family. you work through your shit with family.

Our second children were born two days apart, she stopped talking to me the day before my son’s birthday.

about this time i sent her a letter, telling her of my confusion that i didn’t understand what had happened, i missed her. i didn’t get an answer. i stopped trying.

about 13 months after we had spoken last, i sent her a letter asking her for the return of some items i had loaned her. A week later i got a box in the mail, mostly full of items that were never mine, but my sister told me not to rock the boat by sending them back or mentioning it. there was a note stating that the items should have been returned to me long before, and a gift certificate.

three months later i tried to call her, at a time i thought she would be home (because i really thought about calling when i thought she wouldn’t be just to make her return my call, but i really did want to talk to her so i didn’t). i didn’t get an answer, i left a message. i didn’t receive a call back.

that was 6 months ago. i guess i have been n/c for 6 months. other that the box, she has been for nearly two years.

i alternate between being angry, hurt, resentful, all the emotions associated with grief. i have been grieving the unexpected death of a friendship. it has never been explained what i did that could have been so bad that the only alternative was to terminate. i don’t understand how she could shut it off like that.

i often imagine that she phones me. sometimes she needs something from me and i deliver as i always have (but in some self-gratifying way). sometimes i get to have that final phone call, but i am level-headed and say all the right things (obviously wishful thinking).

i have sworn her off, tried to stop thinking about her, declared the friendship forever dead and then changed my mind, wished for her to call or contact me in some way, wished for a happy ending.

i don’t make friends easily, i had known her for 14 years and had been very good friends for most of that. we spoke often and had never fought. i guess stuff was brewing? i have one friend that i speak to often, i talk to my sister often (well, usually but she has been busy, maybe that is making me melancholy?), and a few high school and newer friends i speak to occasionally. i am happy, easy to talk to, and spark up conversations with strangers, but i do not collect friends. i don’t know why.

maybe it is my just desserts. just before moving across the country from friends and family i stopped speaking to a good friend. my choice. i never explained to her that she was becoming more erratic, less dependable, closed-minded. she tricked me into attending an amway meeting, she stopped speaking to me for 6 months for me not letting her drive my car. she made a nasty comment about me to someone in front a friend who told me. i had had it with her behavior. she tried and tried to call me and i wouldn’t answer. well, one time i did by accident and she asked me if i had anything to say to her, i say no and we hung up. i never felt bad about it until this new event happened.

so, i guess i just have to cut my losses here. i don’t think she will contact me. it upsets me. she is my daughter’s godmother, there is no divorce for that and for my daughter’s sake it really angers me that she could just turn her back on us like that.

if you made it to the end of this post, congratulations!! it is nearly a novel. i’m sorry, but maybe i will be able to sleep now.

naked

dont’ get all excited.. there is no nakedness here LOL

years ago, TH would make excuses why we couldn’t have sex. Typically male, he blamed me in so many different ways. When we decided to have children this because a HUGE problem. It got to the point where i told him an old-wives tale about a turkey baster. i am sure you have heard that one to. I became desperate because he would lay there, spread eagle and say “ok. start.” what the fuck? ok, start?? i wont’ describe the argument that one brought on, but it finished with a turkey baster. well, actually an eye dropper. voila, daughter. span the years, and it became a medicine dosing syringe.  two miscarriages, and viola, son. All were the results of him jacking off in a cup, and bringing me “the baby juice.” If i touch him anywhere, he giggles like a little girl. kinda disturbing actually.

He hasn’t seen me naked in 8 years except for whatever bits he managed to see of me in labour and two c-sections.

When TH came after me physically we went to therapy for the 40 millionth time. We got to the end of the 4th session and the therapist was stupidly impressed with our progress (keep in mind that TH is not only passive aggressive, but incredibly smart. smart enough to figure out exactly what the man wanted to hear and fed it to him) he finally asked about our physical relationship. i said ‘never,’ “define never?” so i answered with “more than 7 years.” I shocked him silent, then he said the funniest fucking thing. “there was a 300lb gorilla in the room this whole time???” I think the man was more concerned with his ‘closure rate’ or whatever because he classed us cured and fine. idiot.

The reason he hasn’t seen me naked? cause i enjoy being naked, but he has made me ashamed. everytime he saw me, he would look me over like a prize heifer he was buying, and tell me about some good diets. Then he would tell me it was for my own benefit, and that he wanted me around for a long time. I am not a small woman by any accounts, but he makes me feel fat.

Buddy Boy? yeah he plays all the games i have heard MMs play reading blogs lately. yeah i feel like i am on his timetable. He likes big women, he loves me naked, with him i feel beautiful. It is a rare thing for me because of what i have at home all the time. and take into account the fact that i don’t have guilt that married women in affairs have because he told me he would rather i go to someone else for whatever my physical needs are. How does all that leave me with a marriage.

walk away

when Th and i are arguing, i only have so much patience for it and i try to walk away. honestly i think this is the best thing to do when you are overloading and need to calm down and try to talk about it rationally later. He will yell and tell me not to be such a child and to come back and finish the discussion like an adult. i don’t consider this to be very adult like behavior. Last year i continued to walk away. it was the middle of the night, the kids were sleeping. i crawled into my daughter’s bed to escape. i couldn’t think of anywhere else to go. this particular incident, he followed me. he was yelling at me to come back and finish our discussion. i should mention here that it wasn’t a discussion, he just wasn’t finished railing, yelling, demeaning, and suppressing me. i refused, completely. So he grabbed my ankle, yanked me out of the bed so hard that i hit the floor and my daughter’s dresser. i won’t describe what ensued in detail, but i will tell you that it ended with me calling 911, and i not only loosened one of his teeth, but gave him a concussion.

he told me later that he was shocked at how strong i am. idiot.

i didn’t have him charged because in the 10+ years we have been together i had NEVER seen that side of him, never would have thought he would have taken that route. However, it then necessitated a conversation with my school age daughter about how if it happened again, i would pack us up and leave him. i was angry that i had to have that conversation with her but i dont’ want her to think that that kind of behavior is acceptable on any level. i don’t think it will happen again mostly because he was horribly embarrassed that the police were involved. I called them after the physical altercation had ended, just ended, because i didn’t want him to think that this was forgivable. it isn’t forgivable. i still think about it. i am still incredibly angry over it, and if i bring it up he responds with “why won’t you just let it go?”.  i will not ever be able to let it go. he does not understand.

this isn’t what i intended to write about. sorry, i got sidetracked.

he just came up to me and suggested something i think is stupid and will break my sewing machine. i didn’t tell him it was stupid, but he decided that i just cannot be reasoned with and told me he was just going to walk away.

it’s funny how he is allowed to walk away when he figures i am not being reasonable, but i am not. i dont’ mean funny like haha.