groceries

no, this isn’t a foray into Eat, Pray, Love LOL… if you read it you would know what i mean, i loved the book! haven’t seen the movie. books are better, but i am a read-aholic anyway…

sorry, i got sidetracked 🙂

every week i get groceries on mondays.. almost without fail. i spend the week filling out my list as i see we are low or run out of things.

last night, TH went over my list… shaking my head, all you can do it laugh, he came to bed asking questions about a few items on my list. he is trying to decide if they are necessary or not (groceries, people. groceries).

this morning i woke up and he had editorialized my list. *sigh* he crossed off two things that we do need and i underlined them so i don’t forget to pick them up, and wrote “cheap ones” beside another.

the other night we went out to a restaurant for dinner as family to celebrate our daughter’s birthday and i got a 5 minute lecture on not touching any one else’s food because i was sick. i got mad and asked him “do you really think you even need to tell me this?” he is incapable of not saying it.

is it a control issue? i think he knows i am a grown-up but is incapable of thinking me as being capable. i have never shown myself to be anything but able to consistently balance all the things i have taken on. is it because i don’t need the help? does he need to feel needed? maybe i leave him in the dark on things because i want to prove i can handle it all. is it his way of wanting to be included in small daily things?

perhaps i don’t include him in small daily decisions because i am emotionally detached from him, i don’t want his opinion, i want to do it my way. he has a way of walking right through what i want, making me do it his way and i resent it terribly. he doesn’t listen to what i want, my opinion doesn’t matter to him.

maybe it does… maybe. but if it does matter, it doesn’t show.

as a result, i just go ahead and make small decisions, truck along without consulting him, and he gets mad. i can be a bit of a control freak, i get mad when he does things i don’t like, but he rarely pays attention. but i am to do things the way he wants them done.

i know i am being vague, and ranting, and venting a bit.. but i am actually thinking as i am typing… working things through in my head.

we cuddled last night.. i had to mention it, but he did it and we fell asleep that way.

diagnosis

so, i saw the doctor this morning and i am far worse off than i thought i was. my eye infection had spread to the other eye, so i went in and thought i would have look at my other symptoms as well. i have not only a double eye infection, i have a sinus infection, and ear infection and bronchitis. woo hoo!

TH was very typical.. cranky, didn’t want me to go and lay down, angry that the house was a mess (even though i have been sick all week). completely uncaring. and angry that i wasn’t going to be going to the kids christmas celebration with him. i hate that i didn’t get to go, i wish i was there with them, i love watching them. i feel very down, i’m home alone and i wish i was there.

i am feeling horribly, i really should either lay down or have a nap.

sick

lordy.. i am sick. i put myself under a fair bit of stress with the kids and their birthdays last week, didn’t get enough sleep, didn’t nap when i needed, tons of anxiety, and stress. the inevitable happend.

i got sick

it started with a tickle in the throat, that i ignored. the body ache that i also ignored. so now, i am wrap up in a warm quilt with healing tea and honey kind of sick, and i can’t. there are always so many things to do, especially this time of year. on top of that my eye is infected *sigh* and a worse indignity is that i became re-addicted to humus after not having had any for ages and it is doing rude things to my digestive system LOL…

all in all, i just want to crawl into bed and not leave the house. it isn’t going to happen.

yesterday i did nearly all my Christmas shopping. i was out for hours with my son (which i SO  much harder). and every time i spent a penny i sent TH a txt to his e-mail address telling him what i spent, where, and on who. that way i don’t have to hear about it later, he can just check his stupid e-mail. the ladies at the store thought it was a scream! they should try living with him.

sliders

anyone remember that show with Jerry O’Connell where he would slide from dimension to dimension looking for the one he accidentally slipped from? am i aging myself my even mentioning this tv series?? LOL

One particular episode sounds like paradise to me right now.

They slide into a world where America had been at war with Australia and the Ozzies had detonated a weapon that targeted the y chromosome. for their safety all surviving men were locked in seclusion, America is run by women who would visit the men in seclusion only when they want to try and procreate.

paradise

Crazy Busy

This past weekend was insane. My kids birthdays are only a week apart and they are at an age where the birthday party is EVERYTHING, they were both this weekend.. i worked my ass off baking their cakes, cleaning, driving all over, organizing.. they had an absolute blast, their faces made it all worth while.

TH damn near ruined it all for me. i know better than to let him kill it entirely, but on saturday morning he had me angry enough that i had to take an anti-anxiety pill. its all about money. i should have had the parties at home, i just should have got cheap grocery store cakes, i shouldn’t have handed out goody-bags, what did i spend that much money on. i was livid.

Honestly, it would have been a snap to spend double. kids party can be a rip off and i did a fantastic job of keeping the costs down. He made me feel horrible. He really made me feel like i was wasting my time, that i shouldn’t have bothered. i should make myself a note that next year, it’s all on him. i do it all, he is given a time to show up to be part of things.

Then we had the family birthday dinner this weekend as well. It was at home, and here TH is fantastic. he helped, he cooked, he cleaned. but he was cranky at me. He apologized for his money rant, told me i did a great job, etc.. but you know what? he already took part of the joy away, you can’t give it back. I didn’t let him ruin it, made sure the kids had fun, that i had fun. but i just wish that he could learn to curtail his comments, not to say things when the pop into his head, to think about them first.

satisfaction

i finally saw BB today. that man knows exactly how to fix what ails me! i feel amazing and mellow. what a stress reliever sex is.. for me, anyways.

are all MM who cheat in constant need for affirmation? is that why they cheat, because they are looking to know they are great, and wanted? is it maybe not to much about the sex but that they know someone outside their marriage is attracted to them? maybe it’s just more about the ego..

i don’t mind, i tell him because it’s true. he is so sweet to me, so good to me, and amazing in the sack. and i let him know that i hate how unreliable he can be. he promised to be better… we’ll see.

sex

it is very damaging to the self esteem to constantly be the one to try and initiate sex and it is even worse when they aren’t interested. it is a rejection. to me, it doesn’t matter how we said it, what he intended, it is a rejection. it hurts so badly. i gave up years ago on initiating, but i can’t seem to give up on the fact that it may happen if only he would do something about it. we don’t know what the problem is, he says he wants it fixed (although he says not as badly as i seem to want to) but he doesn’t know how to fix it.

there is 10 years in our agesl. i am 36, he is 46.. when we met i was 23 and he was 33… it wasn’t any better then than now… the only difference is that i have stopped trying for it. we used to have huge screaming matches, i would make him doctors appointments, he wouldn’t show up for them. most damaging, are the things he said to me in those early days, blaming me in grotesque ways i cannot even type out. we tried counselling and a whole slew of different drugs.

the last time we saw the doctor about it he said he could give him viagara. it wouldn’t give him the urge, but would give him the ability and he could be the tool to get me off, that way i would at least be satisfied. he wouldn’t do it. he still won’t.

we haven’t had sex in around 9 years.

if women say they want sex, they are whores.. men say it and their ‘normal’. mind you, when the man doesn’t want it, there aren’t many supports in place. they are supposed to want it. where  do they go if they don’t? all the drugs out there are to treat men who want it but can’t and are desperate for it.. there isnt anything for men who just don’t feel the urge, and then what is the need for the them to go and find out what it wrong? because there is not urge for sex, there is no urge to fix it. vicious cycle.

Husbands play games too

the day after TH and i had that last conversation i sent him an e-mail telling him that the things he had said to me were making me physically sick to my stomach, i was unhappy all day.

this weekend he told me that he read the e-mail and was really confused about what he could possibly have said that would make me feel sick. i looked at him and he really didn’t understand.

to give you the gist of the conversation: he said he misunderstood the question i was asking. He said he thought i was still talking about the physical side of our relationship and that “of course i have positive feelings for you and think about  you.” does this not feel like shit a MM spouts to keep his AP happy?? it did to me and i told him it sounded like he was backtracking. Apparently he thinks backtracking is lying and it upset him that even said it. and then, in spite of the 20 times he has been asked, he does feel attracted to me. horseshit, i say.

it sounds like games to keep me just happy enough to stay. that night he came to bed when i did, wrapped his arm around mine and held my hand.

it didn’t make me feel any better.

he told me he thinks i am trying to tell him i want to split up. that isnt’ what i want, i want us fixed. i want this to work. there are so many good things about him, and our family. I want Us to be a good thing too..

neutral gear

so last night i asked TH if he is happy with our marriage the way it is. guess what he said? you got it, neutral. he immediately started in on “i know it isn’t right, i don’t know what to do about it.. blah blah..”

So i asked if he even feels any affection for me.. guess what?

“everything is in neutral”

pardon me for taking that as a no.

then, he goes on the offensive telling me that he just feels the same way i do. like he knows or cares how i feel!!

and when i asked him why we are together is both of us feel this way, i got a lecture on how we have kids, and people who put their relationships first would break up the family, pull the kids apart, uproot them and separate. only people that prioritize to put their children first stay together.

i guess this means we are both just staying for the kids and for some reason this horrifies me more than when it was just me. why is that?

this is the real reason there is nothing to our marriage, this is why he agreed to approve me going elsewhere for intimate relations, why he treats me the way he goes.

he doesn’t give a damn.

what i want

i told my very good friend K about mylast talk with TH. her husband is even worse than TH is many ways, but their marriage is in slightly better shape than mine. she asked me what it was i wanted out of that conversation.

i told her that what i wanted was for him to say “ok, fine. this sucks, we’re over, lets get this figured out.” and all amicable. lol.. sounds like a fairy tale thinking about it later. she asked if i wanted it to be his idea. i said no, but that i wanted him to see what i was saying, realize he isn’t going to change and that it isn’t what is best for me.