a merry christmas

christmas day was so good. we had a wonderful family christmas morning. i had invited my mother in law to join us in gift opening (which my sister in law hadn’t.. totally scored there :P) and it was wonderful to have her there. then i made a wonderful big breakfast for the grown-ups.. no way the kids were going to wait that long.

we all got to have a nap, and then off to my sister-in-laws (D) for christmas dinner which went…. fine. nothing nasty, nothing positive, but i really don’t have any complaints and that is about as it can get over there. sad, isn’t it.

i got what i wanted for christmas, because i was very clear LOL.. i am still waiting for my big gift to come, they are back ordered and it isn’t expected to arrive until jan 20 or so… i’m so excited!!

the kids were spoiled rotten, as all kids should be. they are still young enough that they were totally excited, and they were literally running around the house waiting for Grandma to get here so they could open their gifts. it was tons of fun 🙂

my house has still not recovered, but i haven’t really put an effort into it.today we were busy re-arranging our upstairs to give me a place to sew, i can’t wait to try it out.. i guess that means i have to attack the rest of the house tomorrow so we can vacume.

i was really happy to put all the decorations out, but now i can’t wait to put them away. i hope you all had just as good a christmas as i did 🙂

Merry Christmas

I hope everyone has a wonderful christmas this year.

I am excited for it, yet still down in the dumps. i don’t really have anything to post about, and haven’t really felt like it, but i wanted one more post before christmas.

My daughter and i had the most amazing day just the two us. She had some things she wanted to pick up, gifts for her brother and father. so we went out and made a day of it. lunch, shopping, girl time. it was awesome. i love the person she is becoming, she is one of a kind. the malls were crazy, but it was productive and enjoyable.

other than that it’s been life as usual

cancel that upswing

what an ass… for a couple of days he has been CRANKY! i have no idea what started it, but i am getting the nastiness. i ended up in bed at 9 last night just so i wouldn’t have to spend another minute in his company.

he apologized this morning. why do they think it is all better if you apologize? it doesn’t take away the hurt, in fact all it did was make me hide in the bathroom for half an hour this morning crying.

can’t wait for the weekend to end, not looking forward to his days off.

sisters-in-law

 i’m in a pretty dark mood today and apparently my collective sisters-in-laws are going to get the brunt of it. I am thinking about christmas and that got me thinking about my gifts for their kids, and that got my thinking about the gifts they have given my kids, and then the stupid things they have done or said.

TH’s brother’s wife D, has said some nasty stuff to me, but always when no one else can hear. She lives very close to us.  Th’s sister, A, can’t keep her nose out of anything. but thankfully we have very little to do with her. My brother’s wife C, has verbal diarrhea and thankfully lives far away.

i’m not going to go into any big background details because i have no idea where to start and it would only drive me into a darker mood than i am already in.

when my son was 2, D got him a big and complicated remote control car for his birthday. with a son the same age, you would think she would realize how not age appropriate this is. the next year, when he was 3, she got him a full construction set with saws and hammers. again, you would think she would know better. i got in trouble from TH for telling them that we had to put it away because the age on it was 6+. it took years for me to realize that she was spending next to nothing on my kids and to do the same. i always want to spend more on the kids, but if she is only going to spend $15, then fine.. so will i.

c, is awful to talk to because an incredible stream of nothing comes out of her mouth. this year she sent the kids christmas presents (unwrapped, no explanation, unexpectedly), and we have yet to get their birthday presents. to be honest i don’t care if they don’t send anything. i know money is tight for them, but to send the christmas presents and then 2 weeks later send the birthday presents a month late? why bother?

i am being uncharitable and judgmental. i know.. but i feel better for letting it. don’t you feel better for listening to it??? 😛

do-over

so my massage is rebooked for later this morning, i’m going to see the chiropractor too, i have a lunch date, and i have no kids. i am so looking forward to today :).

last night i had my christmas potluck, we had so much fun laughing and eating. that is the one thing i miss about working, the social aspect. but it will be awhile yet before i even look for work.

i’m also hoping to have some time to get an hour or so of cleaning done at home. the bathrooms are starting to scream with neglect lol, and the bedrooms all need a thorough going over. we’ll see.

oh brother

i get so frustrated with BB.. i don’t expect to be a priority in his life. i get it, i know where i am on THAT totem pole lol… but it still drives me crazy when it takes him a week and half to respond to an e-mail. i finally heard from him yesterday with a pretty decent excuse, i have to admit.. but then he goes and says something like “sometimes I’m afraid of getting too close to you in fear I’ll want to see you more than possible for both of us.”

it made me roll my eyes.. that is why he ignores me for weeks on end? sounds like some kind of self torture if you ask me. testing his resolve? i ask very little from the man. i am not demanding, don’t nag, and i don’t want anything from him. i know the rules on being an OW, and i have learned way more since starting this blog and reading lots of others.

this week is my last chance to see him before the new year i’m hoping it works out, but not holding my breath.

upswing

well, i didn’t get my massage last week. she cancelled first thing in the morning as i was getting the kids off to school. i went on a christmas shopping marathon instead and that killed me LOL… then i did it again the next day. the up side of that is that i am all done. i shouldn’t need to hit the shops again *fingers crossed!!* and i have wrapped 90% of the gifts. i need to ship some boxes tomorrow and that will be a huge load off my mind.

i am doing a better job of taking care of me and getting stuff done. i am taking more time to just breathe, enjoy the moments, and sit. i am feeling much better, still a little down but nothing i can’t manage and it will get better still if i remember to calm down more frequently.

it would seem TH and i are def on an upswing. he is sitting with me to watch tv in the evenings, less nastiness, and he is still cuddling me at night.

things are feeling pretty good right now.

funky

no, not quirky funky…. i am in a funk.. i would say a mid-grade full out funk including anxiety attacks. it is really unpleasant.

i am a stay at home mom that HATES to stay at home. i don’t mean being with my kids, i just really don’t stay put very well. i am getting better at it, but i like to be busy and i like to be out. probably because once TH is home we do not leave the house. we don’t go out anywhere, so unless i have one of my weekly evening outtings on my own, i’m home. i get cabin fever pretty quick, usually a day or two

we are going on three days at home.. but the thing is, i don’t feel like going anywhere. i have almost completely stopped calling friends and family. i go through hermit like phases, but they are not good things. they come with sadness, sleepiness, and anxiety. ya i know.. depression. i am wondering if it’s helped along by my not feeling 100% yet, still on medication for my bronchitis, it is stinking cold outside which means tons of energy bundling up, and not enough sleep.

i am pretty good, now, at recognizing and pulling myself out of them. but it takes a couple of days. today i have plans to leave the house, an appointment for a massage and then lunch with my massage therapist. now, if that doesnt get me out of this, nothing will 😀

pretty words

the other night TH was at work, kids were asleep, i was in bed but unable to sleep. i was feeling pretty sorry for myself, and lonely. i decided to send him an e-mail. when i send him e-mails i do not send them to his work address unless i want him to check his home address and all i will say is “check your home e-mail.” i always send them to his home e-mail, but this means i have no idea when he will get it. he usually checks it at night when he is laying in bed, but i know sometimes he checks at work, or not for several days. this usually means me on pins and needles waiting for him to get it.

My most recent e-mail to him was something to the effect of me sometimes dreaming about being held and cuddled at night without having to ask or mention it. it was just a statement, wasn’t laced with any tone. He rarely replied to my e-mails (sometimes just a ‘k’, unless i ask and even then it is monosyllabic). i know he got the message that night, because he did cuddle me.

this time he also responded to the message. i was surprised, and it actually made me roll my eyes and then i read it. i was stunned! he replied “I will make that dream come true as often as i can.” i had violently differing reactions to this all at once. one reaction was “ya ya ya, heard it all before.” another one was a huge blossoming of hope. and another reaction was tears because the man actually came out with something flowery and poetic.

as usual, he makes promises… let’s see if he meant them or if they are just pretty words.

obsessive tendencies

so, sometimes i am prone to obsessive tendencies. it has happened with boyfriends, friends, an event, or an activity.

 shortly after meeting BB, i got obsessive. if i hadn’t heard from him in a few days or a week i would start looking at the obituaries where he lives LOL.. i laugh at this now, but at the time i was serious.

i didn’t have any problems conceiving my daughter, but then i had some health issues. when we were trying again, i was easy-going to begin with, got pregnant right away and then had a very unhappy miscarriage. not that any of them are happy, but this one was weeks of stress and i just couldn’t let go. then it took a year to conceive again. i got completely obsessive and stressed out. i had charts, charts of my charts, websites, ovulation sticks, a thermometer.. all day, everyday, i was charting. i finally got pregnant and then i miscarried again.  i pulled out all my obsessive charts and manage to conceive again rather quickly and all was fine.

i go through phases. sometimes i can see it and make myself let go, sometimes i see it and can’t let go.. and i am sure there are lots of times when i didn’t see it at all.

right now i am obsessive about two things. one of them is this blog. i check it far more than i should LOL.. i am the same with my e-mail..  the other is a website i have to sell some of my crafting stuff. quilting to be specific. i make quilts and quilted items. i need to relax, set a time to check everything and then leave it alone for the day. i can see it now.. it sneaks up on me.

maybe it is the same with TH and it has to do with stress? i know i read obsessively for escapism.. but that often ends with the book, until i find a new one lol… i will have to keep an eye on it too see.