Loose Ends

today is the day of the week when i have no kids. I have the day to myself. I look forward to it all week! But today i was supposed to meet Buddy Boy, i got some stupid garbled e-mail yesterday morning telling me he couldn’t make it. Something about being on narcotics and not allowed to drive yet. I don’t even know what that is supposed to mean. We don’t e-mail often, he doesn’t send me long messages, i don’t have any idea what he does with his time. We don’t text, we don’t talk on the phone. We mostly just e-mail to make the other is alright if we haven’t heard from them in awhile, and to arrange to meet.

i haven’t seen him in 5 months, and i was really looking forward to it. it is my one complete stress relief. That might explain my mood yesterday.

i was reading another blog yesterday, and she mentioned that all EA sex is mindblowing. is that true? i was stunned! i thought Buddy Boy was singularly talented!! and i had tried to meet someone else a few years ago, but it was an awful experience and that man was NOT talented!!

i am frustrated with Buddy Boy’s lack of communication, and the rarity with which we meet. Although, if those could improve (and believe me, i am not holding my breath) he is otherwise perfect for an EA.

Anyways, not sure what i am going to do today, i am feeling at loose ends. i need to make a plan because today doesn’t feel like one of those days i can just wing. it’ll end up being a wasted day.

lonely

it really doesn’t take much for me to feel lonely. i used to try to tell TH how i was feeling, but can’t sympathize and he doesn’t understand. My brain also jumps around really quickly, not that i am a fast thinker, i just jump around from subject to subject. When i get lonely i don’t know what to do with myself. i end up wandering around the house, looking at all the things i don’t feel like doing, trying to come up with someone to talk to. my family is really close, we talk on the phone ALOT! it drives TH crazy, but he doesn’t get it.

I also don’t make friends very easily. i think i give off vibes that initially scare people, LOL. Once i make a friend it is for a long time. i won’t say for life, because shit happens. so the few friends that i do have, i try to speak to frequently. but sometimes i wish i can someone here i could talk to. I mentioned that my mother in law has been living here and it has been so nice to have someone around to talk to. but she has her house now, and that is keeping everyone pretty busy.

Even when he is home, TH doesn’t spend time with me. he is busy fixing computers or back at work. the only talking we do is about the kids. It doesn’t bother him. He is comfortable with the way things are; i am around to look after the house and the kids, and he can do what needs to be done. It doesn’t occur to him that things should be different, and how i feel is irrelevant in his life. lonely.