nutballs

There are a crazy amount of nutballs in this world. I mean it. Perhaps these people are missing the common-sense gene? I have no idea. I have been on Ashley Madisson looking for someone to spent intimate time with, is there no one decent? Perhaps i should have a “nut of the week” award. Seriously.. i would probably start with the guy who, in his profile, said that anyone interested would have to sign a waiver that they were in good enough health to engage in sexual activity.

What kind of baggage do you have to have to put that in your profile? and seriously, the man looked like a slug… as if i would ever be that desperate. How sad do you have to be to put up with that? this man is MARRIED?? lordy….

MM 2.0 aka CC

no, i didn’t mean for the CC to mimic the BB i use for Buddy Boy.. it just worked out that way… CC is short for Captain Corporate… LOL… i have a limited imagination and it stuck. he is a corporate sort, and a serial cheater on his wife who he calls his best friend.

He is reasonably good in bed, i suspect he suffers from ADHD (lol) and is looking for the same thing i am.. we seem to be compatible. He doesn’t quite float my boat the same as BB, but you can’t have everything. (obviously or i wouldn’t be here)

my mother has left, thankfully… i love her much more from far away. and my house is gradually getting back to the routine.

hopefully this means i can start posting more…

i heard from BB

so i have a BB update. after three weeks of complete silence, he finally e-mailed me.  i didn’t expect it, it actually caught me by surprise, then it upset me.

it was the usual excuses, haven’t been in the office, blah blah blah. miss you terribly, blah blah blah. would love to see you soon blah blah blah.

i haven’t checked that account since, i am acually avoiding it. i am not ready to respond yet. i don’t want him to think that i am on his timetable, that things are only on his terms.

will i see him again? undecided. i am tired of the yo-yo. but i am not really committed to finding someone new, and am in need of a physical release.

Loose Ends

today is the day of the week when i have no kids. I have the day to myself. I look forward to it all week! But today i was supposed to meet Buddy Boy, i got some stupid garbled e-mail yesterday morning telling me he couldn’t make it. Something about being on narcotics and not allowed to drive yet. I don’t even know what that is supposed to mean. We don’t e-mail often, he doesn’t send me long messages, i don’t have any idea what he does with his time. We don’t text, we don’t talk on the phone. We mostly just e-mail to make the other is alright if we haven’t heard from them in awhile, and to arrange to meet.

i haven’t seen him in 5 months, and i was really looking forward to it. it is my one complete stress relief. That might explain my mood yesterday.

i was reading another blog yesterday, and she mentioned that all EA sex is mindblowing. is that true? i was stunned! i thought Buddy Boy was singularly talented!! and i had tried to meet someone else a few years ago, but it was an awful experience and that man was NOT talented!!

i am frustrated with Buddy Boy’s lack of communication, and the rarity with which we meet. Although, if those could improve (and believe me, i am not holding my breath) he is otherwise perfect for an EA.

Anyways, not sure what i am going to do today, i am feeling at loose ends. i need to make a plan because today doesn’t feel like one of those days i can just wing. it’ll end up being a wasted day.

naked

dont’ get all excited.. there is no nakedness here LOL

years ago, TH would make excuses why we couldn’t have sex. Typically male, he blamed me in so many different ways. When we decided to have children this because a HUGE problem. It got to the point where i told him an old-wives tale about a turkey baster. i am sure you have heard that one to. I became desperate because he would lay there, spread eagle and say “ok. start.” what the fuck? ok, start?? i wont’ describe the argument that one brought on, but it finished with a turkey baster. well, actually an eye dropper. voila, daughter. span the years, and it became a medicine dosing syringe.  two miscarriages, and viola, son. All were the results of him jacking off in a cup, and bringing me “the baby juice.” If i touch him anywhere, he giggles like a little girl. kinda disturbing actually.

He hasn’t seen me naked in 8 years except for whatever bits he managed to see of me in labour and two c-sections.

When TH came after me physically we went to therapy for the 40 millionth time. We got to the end of the 4th session and the therapist was stupidly impressed with our progress (keep in mind that TH is not only passive aggressive, but incredibly smart. smart enough to figure out exactly what the man wanted to hear and fed it to him) he finally asked about our physical relationship. i said ‘never,’ “define never?” so i answered with “more than 7 years.” I shocked him silent, then he said the funniest fucking thing. “there was a 300lb gorilla in the room this whole time???” I think the man was more concerned with his ‘closure rate’ or whatever because he classed us cured and fine. idiot.

The reason he hasn’t seen me naked? cause i enjoy being naked, but he has made me ashamed. everytime he saw me, he would look me over like a prize heifer he was buying, and tell me about some good diets. Then he would tell me it was for my own benefit, and that he wanted me around for a long time. I am not a small woman by any accounts, but he makes me feel fat.

Buddy Boy? yeah he plays all the games i have heard MMs play reading blogs lately. yeah i feel like i am on his timetable. He likes big women, he loves me naked, with him i feel beautiful. It is a rare thing for me because of what i have at home all the time. and take into account the fact that i don’t have guilt that married women in affairs have because he told me he would rather i go to someone else for whatever my physical needs are. How does all that leave me with a marriage.

empty

right after my last post i checked my e-mail. sure enough nothing from BB, and still nothing. i hate feeling like i am waiting on pins and needles for him to get back to me. I have gotten so frustrated with him that i have ended things. i think all together i have ended it three times.

the first was when his wife called my cell. it wasn’t because i was worried about being caught, she sounded nice and talking to her made me feel sick to my stomach. like, how can he do this to her? never mind the stories he has told me about how horrible she is. and i was just as bad because i lied to her.  i broke down and e-mailed him after a few months

The second time was when i got tired of waiting weeks to hear from him and would only get one or two-line e-mails that didn’t say anything. i told him he didn’t have enough time for me in his life and that i should really focus on my family. It was around then that TH and i decided to have another child. we met back up again when i was pregnant.

The third time is barely worth mentioning because it didnt’ last long either. I just hate feeling like i am on his terms only.

I actually tried to meet another MM, i went back on ashley madison and met up with one man. It was a unmidigated disaster! and has left me really wary and uninterested in trying to find someone else, but sometimes i think i would be better off searching. i just cannot imagine finding someone else who touches me like he does, when we are together he makes me feel like the centre of the universe. how would it even be possible to find that? i was so happy when i found him, like i had found my other half. it doesn’t seem possible that that is out there again.

Buddy Boy

This is what i call the married man who i see. Buddy Boy. My friend (the only one who knows about him) and i came up with it because i needed something to call him other than his name. i don’t say his name out loud and i try to not even think it. i am afraid that if i say his name, this thing that we have will end. silly… I know.

my marriage is far from perfect. however, one of the huge drawbacks is physical contact. I have diagnosed TH with asperger’s syndrome, and i wholeheartedly believe he has it. One of the reasons is that he cannot stand physical contact of any kind. a kiss, a touch, a caress. i NEED to be touched. we worked around it to conceive our daughter, but that was when i still thought he could be fixed. after our daughter i realized he couldn’t and i told him that intimacy was a make it-or-break it kinda deal and that if he really wanted to stay married he would either buck up and deliver, or allow me to go elsewhere. i am sure you can see which option he chose.

This leads me to Buddy Boy. We met on Ashley Madison. He was the third man i met in person after getting permission to stray. The first man would have been lovely, but it didn’t pan out in the end.. the second man was NO WAY, too skeevy. Buddy Boy was number three, and perfect. I met him 5 1/2 years ago. We met in September, we met at a park a few times and had some sessions of heavy petting before deciding to go to a motel. He gave me butterflies, heart palpitations, i was so excited every time we were to meet. we would occasionally talk on the phone. we haven’t spoken on the phone since his wife found my number in his cell phone (under Mike, he wasn’t that stupid. i guess she called all the numbers she didn’t recognize) and i lied our way out of that beautifully!

We don’t see each other often, once every couple of months. I am not the first person he has cheated with, he has told me that much. but he hasn’t confessed to another online affair, even though that is what his wife told me he does. We e-mail to set up meetings (we have special account for just eachother). i dont’ harass him, he already has a wife. i don’t nag, beg, plead, or try to make him confess feelings. it makes me happier to know he likes to see me, and that is all. i don’t want to hear if he has stronger feelings for me. I wouldn’t confess to having any for him. we are married to other people. it wouldn’t make sense to me.

i almost view him as my stud, and boy are we compatible in bed! that man rocks my world! my friend says i am like a guy, i just want to get laid. LOL, this is true but  i do have affection for him, i miss him, want to talk to him, want to hear from him… but i am able to keep him compartmentalized. it saves my marriage, for whatever that is worth