walk away

when Th and i are arguing, i only have so much patience for it and i try to walk away. honestly i think this is the best thing to do when you are overloading and need to calm down and try to talk about it rationally later. He will yell and tell me not to be such a child and to come back and finish the discussion like an adult. i don’t consider this to be very adult like behavior. Last year i continued to walk away. it was the middle of the night, the kids were sleeping. i crawled into my daughter’s bed to escape. i couldn’t think of anywhere else to go. this particular incident, he followed me. he was yelling at me to come back and finish our discussion. i should mention here that it wasn’t a discussion, he just wasn’t finished railing, yelling, demeaning, and suppressing me. i refused, completely. So he grabbed my ankle, yanked me out of the bed so hard that i hit the floor and my daughter’s dresser. i won’t describe what ensued in detail, but i will tell you that it ended with me calling 911, and i not only loosened one of his teeth, but gave him a concussion.

he told me later that he was shocked at how strong i am. idiot.

i didn’t have him charged because in the 10+ years we have been together i had NEVER seen that side of him, never would have thought he would have taken that route. However, it then necessitated a conversation with my school age daughter about how if it happened again, i would pack us up and leave him. i was angry that i had to have that conversation with her but i dont’ want her to think that that kind of behavior is acceptable on any level. i don’t think it will happen again mostly because he was horribly embarrassed that the police were involved. I called them after the physical altercation had ended, just ended, because i didn’t want him to think that this was forgivable. it isn’t forgivable. i still think about it. i am still incredibly angry over it, and if i bring it up he responds with “why won’t you just let it go?”.  i will not ever be able to let it go. he does not understand.

this isn’t what i intended to write about. sorry, i got sidetracked.

he just came up to me and suggested something i think is stupid and will break my sewing machine. i didn’t tell him it was stupid, but he decided that i just cannot be reasoned with and told me he was just going to walk away.

it’s funny how he is allowed to walk away when he figures i am not being reasonable, but i am not. i dont’ mean funny like haha.

hate

There are times when i think i hate TH (the husband). I try hard not to because it is destructive to  live with hate in your heart. I try not to feel anything at all and most of the time i succeed. sometimes softer feelings steal into my head and my heart, when he is playing with the kids or we are out on a very rare family outting and all is going well. I try not to have those either, but it is hard not to enjoy them when they hit. The softer feelings make the anger and the hate harder to live with and they make me vulnerable to his nasty comments. when i feel nothing the nasty comments don’t hurt.

To be honest, the nasty stuff doesn’t happen often and it usually ends up unrelated to me entirely, but they happen without warning and sting all that much more because they are unpredictable.

To feel nothing is best. Like a numbness. i am able to be happy and enjoy my children when he isn’t around. when he is here, i am distant. protecting myself.

I am hypersensitive. I do not take criticism well, i never have. i take everything to heart, i feel everything accutely. i take everthing personally. i cannot help it. feeling nothing helps. He doesn’t know how to talk to me, he doesn’t know how not to be critical, every word out of his mouth is negative, critical, and sometimes demeaning. he doesn’t get it. he has no idea how be sensitive or  supportive about anything.