Stress and more stress

I have been a long time gone and writing this post was a spontaneous decision helped along by a quiet house.

My son started school a year and a half ago, September of 2011, just before I last wrote, and it has not been easy. I thought his first year was stressful and his teacher hard to deal with…. well, let me tell you that his next teacher was so much worse I had to take Ativan before I could be face to face with her. there is something wrong with that woman! and I don’t say that lightly. We have been dealing with an amazing pediatrician and she wholeheartedly agrees with me. Her and I hated that my son was in this woman’s class. I had to involve the superintendent of education in our struggles and was at the point of doing it again when the shit hit the fan, the teacher decided she didn’t want my son in her class, thank Christ!!! and he was moved out. His new teacher is fantastic to deal with, but my son doesn’t really understand that he isn’t going back to the other teacher anymore and says he misses her. Perhaps her poisonous attitude didn’t touch him as much as I had thought, and I am grateful! and even more grateful and he may never know the side of her that I saw. Most parents have only good things to say about her, and I can appreciate that for them. I am even willing to chalk most of it up to a personality conflict of epic proportions, but that doesn’t excuse her behavior or her decisions.

I am working… kind of working… lol.. I do some bookkeeping, and once a week work in a store that inspires me and feeds my hobby addiction. I am home to take my kids to school and pick them, some days I work in between those hours, some days  I am free to do errands and clean..

I still have my life on the side, but I really haven’t had the energy for it and there really isn’t much to say about it…

Here is hoping the year continues and finishes on a far more positive note than it has started on…

Makin’ Progress

well, i decided it was beyond time for another update… i really should post more so i have to do less updates LOL…

Hubby has honestly been making an effort. he certainly falls off the wagon as far as speaking to me in a decent manner, but he is trying. He has asked me not to go, told me he doesn’t want me to leave and asked if i really want to go. i will go so far as admitting i don’t really want to go, but i have not yet committed to saying that i will not leave. I don’t know how convinced i am that he can make long term changes.

a note on my side activities.. i am still seeing BB quarterly, or less! far from ideal. things with CC ended up only being one lovely encounter, his job changed and no longer entailed daily freedom and extensive travel. sad, but not tragic… the tragic part is trying to meet a decent man to see on the side seems to be impossible. i met one for coffee a few weeks ago, i didn’t really feel it and was going to let the man down slowly. I didnt have the chance. he got way obsessive FAST! i had an email before i got home and the next day he sent 6 text messages before 10am!  i am home busy with my kids and i cannot have that! i don’t have the time or the inclination to engage in that! so i shut him down hard and fast, he wasn’t happy but he has since sent only one e-mail asking me to please reconsider which i do not plan to respond to.

My son starts school soon, I am starting to think about going back to work and to help that along i have started upgrading my schooling. i have only sent out a couple of resumes, i am really only looking for part time so i can bring in some money (i told hubby half of my money would go into our bank account and the other half is mine that i want to save some money up, he isn’t happy about it and keeps asking if it so i can leave him. i am undecided but i want to have my own money).

My summer has been busy keeping the kids occupied, my parents have been visiting once and are coming again soon. it will be time for school before i know it.

I hope you are all enjoying your summers 🙂 i will try (ya i know, i’ve said it before) to write more often LOL….

Out of Character

Last night as i was trying to go to sleep i was mentally writing this post and trying to come up with a title. LOL.. funny the things you will obsess over to put off sleeping.

Saturday i had some stuff i needed to do, and TH was going to take one of the kids and a friend to an amazing yearly fair out here. We ended up calling anyone we could thing of to go, really pulling at straws even, and couldn’t find anyone home, available, willing, etc. So we had to put it off until Sunday. So instead, TH helped me pick up some sewing furniture. This furniture is a story all by itself. A lady i know is moving and trying to get rid of stuff, she sews, i sew. :).. anyways, TH says no to pretty well everything! i don’t work, i get it. still frustrating. But i figured i would try, so i had her send me pictures and i forwarded them on to him and told him how much. HE SAID YES! i was SHOCKED! and he stuck to it, and he helped me pick them up on Saturday.

Then on Sunday, we still couldn’t come up with anyone to go to the fair so the four of us went. We had the most amazing day! TH was HAPPY, he was FRIVOLOUS, and SPONTANEOUS. These are words i don’t think i have ever used in a conversation with his name. he wanted to do whatever it took to make sure we all had a great day. And we did. I don’t know who he is? But i am thinking i might keep him….

It is so rare for us to have family outings and his mental issues usually ruin fun times; i regret going, i’m tempted to call a freaking cab to take me home, we fight for days afterwards.

Uncaring??

it’s probably not a good sign to have a question as a topic title, but i am sitting here and don’t know what to call this post. I was talking with TH last night about a bunch of things. One of which is my up coming surgery. I told him that he would need to take a few days off work, the day of my surgery and a day or two after.

I don’t have to take time off, he says to me. so i tell him that i won’t be able to look after the kids. “whatever, we’ll figure it out. and i don’t need be off the day of you surgery. i can drop you off, and pick you up.”

i am angry. i stood up and told him that it was wonderful to know he didn’t give a rat’s ass about me and i went to bed. i am pretty sure he rolled his eyes and it never crossed his mind again. God forbid anything should interfere with work. I can almost guarantee he is going to try and make me continue on like i am fine, and keep the kids, go about my day as usual.

UPDATE: well, TH just called me and said “i don’t know what happened when we were talking last night, you didn’t think i was serious. did you?” yes i did. i told him that. Don’t be silly, he says… there are some things that just don’t even need to be talked about. of course i will drive you. arrggghhhh. i have no idea what we are doing about the kids though.. between school, maybe and extra daycare day and my mother in law;…. we’ll see

Religiosity

LOL! I just needed to write that word down. I don’t even think it is a real one, but i was feeling it, and needed to post about it.

ok, i just looked it up and it is a real word, and it says exactly what i wanted it to.

I am not a particularly religious person. i wasn’t raised to be. not unreligious, just not religious. i have a funny thing that i tell people “my dad is Anglican, my mom is Baptist, my sister is Lutheran, and my daughter is catholic.” and it’s all true. i am just…. not. it isn’t that i don’t believe, i just haven’t finished hammering out the details yet. structured religions don’t appeal to me. well, they didn’t until after i had my daughter and for some unknown reason it became very important that i have her baptised. TH’s family is Catholic and as soon as i said the word “baptism”, poof, my mother in law made it happen. it was awesome!! my daughter is in catholic school, and i am very happy because now i don’t really need to know what the religious steps are because they do them through school.

i have to say that coming into Catholicism half way through your life is very confusing. there are so many rules, sins, rituals… i feel like i am playing catch up every day. like the day i went to pick my daughter up from catholic school and everyone had dirty foreheads.. and some of them were crosses. i didn’t get it. then my daughter came up to me with a cross on her forehead and i had to ask her. “mom! it’s ash Wednesday!!” well, i knew that, but i didn’t know what that had to do with a dirty forehead. thank you Wikipedia.. i get it now. like i said, catch up.

along come son… mother in law is no longer handy for arranging religious practices, i don’t know where to start, and the church i have been taking my daughter to….. let’s just say the priest is difficult and way too hard-core. so this month, we switched Churches to the one TH’s family has always gone to (when they go). They have been amazing! i went in yesterday to talk Baptism, and they said “how is Oct 10 or 24”.  this is amazing! and fast! i have to register him for school in January so i REALLY have to get it done. TH and i went to the meeting at the Church last night, the ball is rolling.

Part of our problem, he wouldn’t discuss Godparents. It has taken us years, and we kinda knew. It ended up being an 11th hour decision. i called him, “forms have to be in tonight, yes or no.” he said yes. Good, now call your brother and call me back! LOL. such a bugger! I think it is good i sprang the meeting on him too, he didn’t have enough time to think of a way out. The usual is “I don’t need to be there, i’ll stay home with kids. You go.” arrgghh

Calm Before the Storm

I am sitting here quietly drinking my coffee. The kids are still sleeping, and i don’t want to wake them up until i have to. i love getting up a bit early, to just sit. Let my brain wake up slowly, think about the things that need to get done without having to jump up immediately and do them, and think about the things that i don’t have time to during the days.

i think about TH. Where we are going, whether we are going. For now, things are good. They go in cycles, up and down. Right now we are in a good place, mind you he isn’t home alot. Things will calm down for him this week so we will see how it goes when he is home more. He certainly seems happier. He really likes my Suzie Homemaker side lol. But she won’t stick around forever

I think about Buddy Boy. Frustrated that i don’t hear from him more, meeting with him helps my stress levels tremendously. Right now i don’t know when i will be seeing him. soon, i hope. i feel some guilt about him putting his wife through the shit i have been reading about on blogs about affairs. But, i suppose if it wasn’t with me, he would have found someone. I don’t have to feel guilt about pulling one over on TH because i got permission before hand. i wonder if i would have been able to do it behind his back. sometimes i think yes, other times no. He really didn’t give me any other alternative.

I think about my kids and how incredibly proud of them i am. I have wonderful children. and i really should go and wake them up. They need time to wake up before they need to hurry.

flown the coop

well, the kids and i are more than half a continent away from TH. We got here yesterday noonish local time. It was 9 hours of travel, with two kids. i cannot even explain the bone deep exhaustion!! TH and I had a couple of conversations before i left, nothing of substance, but at least we were talking. I haven’t seen my family in just over a year, it is nice to be here in the house i grew up in.

naked

dont’ get all excited.. there is no nakedness here LOL

years ago, TH would make excuses why we couldn’t have sex. Typically male, he blamed me in so many different ways. When we decided to have children this because a HUGE problem. It got to the point where i told him an old-wives tale about a turkey baster. i am sure you have heard that one to. I became desperate because he would lay there, spread eagle and say “ok. start.” what the fuck? ok, start?? i wont’ describe the argument that one brought on, but it finished with a turkey baster. well, actually an eye dropper. voila, daughter. span the years, and it became a medicine dosing syringe.  two miscarriages, and viola, son. All were the results of him jacking off in a cup, and bringing me “the baby juice.” If i touch him anywhere, he giggles like a little girl. kinda disturbing actually.

He hasn’t seen me naked in 8 years except for whatever bits he managed to see of me in labour and two c-sections.

When TH came after me physically we went to therapy for the 40 millionth time. We got to the end of the 4th session and the therapist was stupidly impressed with our progress (keep in mind that TH is not only passive aggressive, but incredibly smart. smart enough to figure out exactly what the man wanted to hear and fed it to him) he finally asked about our physical relationship. i said ‘never,’ “define never?” so i answered with “more than 7 years.” I shocked him silent, then he said the funniest fucking thing. “there was a 300lb gorilla in the room this whole time???” I think the man was more concerned with his ‘closure rate’ or whatever because he classed us cured and fine. idiot.

The reason he hasn’t seen me naked? cause i enjoy being naked, but he has made me ashamed. everytime he saw me, he would look me over like a prize heifer he was buying, and tell me about some good diets. Then he would tell me it was for my own benefit, and that he wanted me around for a long time. I am not a small woman by any accounts, but he makes me feel fat.

Buddy Boy? yeah he plays all the games i have heard MMs play reading blogs lately. yeah i feel like i am on his timetable. He likes big women, he loves me naked, with him i feel beautiful. It is a rare thing for me because of what i have at home all the time. and take into account the fact that i don’t have guilt that married women in affairs have because he told me he would rather i go to someone else for whatever my physical needs are. How does all that leave me with a marriage.

weekend

i had a lovely weekend away from my darker side. I enjoyed the sunshine, i was busy, i enjoyed my kids. I was even able to completely numb out his nastiness (notice the lack of capitals. i am not calling him this, just describing his behavior). He did try to be nasty, but i didn’t react at all. sometimes it is just so hard to do, but i managed all weekend. It helps tremendously that it drives him crazy when i don’t react at all. 😀 It also helps that he had to go to work, and he has been helping his mom out at her place. as a totally unexpected bonus, his mother sided with ME!! LOL, poor sucker.

I am leaving in just over a week. i don’t imagine i will be in my darker place alot when i arrive at my destination. i might even break down enough to post nice things about him because i am far fonder of TH when he isn’t around, sometimes i even miss him. It doesn’t usually take very long for me to remember why it was better being away.

the flip side

there are two sides to every story. actually, there are more than two depending on how many witnesses you have. every side has a story. to balance out comments on his nastiness, i was asked why i stay. you can read my comment from my last post. it was an excellent question and an explanation i just hadn’t gotten around to. it is so hard to for me to remember the other sides of TH when i am angry. i imagine it is hard for most people to remember the happiness and good time when you are stuck in misery and anger. there is a lighter side to TH.

First of all, he is an amazing father. He is very hands on, he wants to see school work, report cards, go over homework, see recitals, he loves to play with his kids. He spends hours with them, all the time he can. He is disappointed if they are in bed when he comes home. I love this side of him. Most people think of him as the most patient, understanding and caring of men. I have had people tell me how lucky i am. He works very hard to provide as good living for us, because of this i don’t work. We agreed that i would stay home with the kids, and i love it!! i wouldnt have it any other way. we have to watch our money, because we are on one income, but it works and the children want for nothing. I stay because the children are very young, i think they need their daddy around. whatever my problems with the man are, i think that right now they need him around.

TH has said cruel things to me, and done cruel things. He had a horrific example growing up, on how bad marriage can be. His father was awful! He is a far better father than his father was, he got past that. but he didnt learn how to be a husband. He is terrible, but has no idea that he is. He says that he swore he would never treat his wife they way his father treated his mother, but when he gets angry he has no control over the things he says. i say horseshit. It took me years to learn how to deal with him, now i don’t ask him for anything and don’t rise to the occasion when he tries to start things.